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Chapter 8 :: Regret

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McDaniels was munching on his sandwich and putting on his shoes in front of the door at the same time. I was behind him, all dressed up and ready to go, at least physically.

I had thoughts swimming around in my head. Yes, thoughts, because for lack of the nerve to call them anything more specific, that was the only word I had for it. I kept glancing over at that one narrow hallway, which was visible from the front door, wondering when the hell he was going to come out of the bathroom.

I didn't really want him to come out because it would make things awkward, but at the same time I was anticipating it. Maybe I wanted to demand an explanation, maybe I thought he might give me one if I was still here when he came back out. Maybe I just wanted to see him one last time before I left, because maybe he was the single most attractive human being I've ever seen in my entire life. And maybe the lingering feeling on my lips that brought back the memory of his against mine multiplied that attraction.

Whatever the reason, I couldn't get him the hell out of my head, and walking out of this house now probably meant never seeing him again.

"All right." McDaniels popped the last bit of sandwich in his mouth. "Off we go, then." He sung, all overly cheerful, and opened the door to leave. I nodded, mostly to myself, and followed.

Oh well.

----

Once we turned onto a main road that I recognized, giving directions to Miles's place was easy. And before I knew it, I was ringing his doorbell.

Neither his nor his parent's cars were in the driveway, but I was hoping that his was parked in the garage or something. Especially seeing as McDaniels had already pulled away and I sure as hell wasn't going to walk all the way home from here.

I rang the doorbell again, and knocked right afterward, becoming impatient. I was itching to get to some place familiar, or comfortable, so I could finally sort through all the shit that was floating around in my head. If Miles was there to help me, then it was just a bonus.

The person who finally opened the door was the last person in the world I expected.

"Who is it?" I heard Miles's shout from a room over as I tried to read the familiarly vibrant blue eyes that had appeared in front of me.

"It's…" He paused, his face started to change color, and he looked down at my feet. "…Fox is here." He lifted his head again, and stepped back away from the door. I assumed that was my cue to come in, along with his retreat.

"Fuck." Miles cursed.  And a loud thud came from what I knew was the kitchen after years of spending every other day at his house. Almost immediately afterward, Miles poked his head around the corner.

"Bad timing." He said, and it seemed to be directed at me.

"Why's that?"  When I looked back at Melvin, he was looking at the wall directly across from him. This was normal behavior for him, but I still somehow felt a general aura of unhappiness in the room. Not that I didn't understand why, but Miles didn't seem much different, and that part was all around confusing. I mean, I vaguely remembered him yelling at me yesterday, but still. He never stays mad, not at me.

"I was just about to take Melvin home." Miles explained. Speaking of…

"Why is he here?" I asked. Not that I was displeased by his presence, but Melvin being at Miles's house is one of the single most unexpected events I'd ever come upon

"Well, we did say we were going to meet up after and all crash here." Miles said. "You just happened to disappear." His tone was far more venomous than that of someone worried about where his dear friend was this whole time.

"And why the hell is he answering the door, then?" I spat back.

"I was busy." His tone stayed disturbingly unaffected by my snap.

I sighed. "Well, whatever." Suddenly I had no desire to stay here. "Can you take me home too, then?"

"No." He said, dead-pan. "You stay here while I take Melvin home. I'll be back." I just knew there was an implied "to lecture you" at the end of that. And god damn it, I did not feel like Miles making me out to be nothing but a complete dick. Even if that's what I was, he was far too good at resurfacing guilt until it's resolved. So that meant the only way out of it was to resolve it right now…

"Okay, whatever." I shrugged. Melvin had a pathetically sad look on his face when he turned to move toward the front door.

"Hey, Mel." I said, and took a step toward him. He looked up at me attentively, and from there it was obvious that he wasn't mad at me. More like, he was afraid that I was mad at him, and hoping I'd confirm that I wasn't.

"About last night…" I said.

"It really doesn't-" He began, but I cut him off.

"We'll talk about it at school Monday." I said. "And, I'm not mad or anything like that, in case you were wondering. So just wait until then, okay?"

For a second he just stared back at me, and then he looked away, and nodded. "Okay. See-ya, then." He turned away.

"Yeah." I agreed, and forced a smile to add to the reassurance. I glanced at Miles, and saw that his eyes were shifting between us, as if to analyze. In the finale he looked at me, rolled his eyes, and left the house. Melvin followed behind him, and they left.

I don't know what an eye-roll means for me, but I think I at least shortened the lecture by a few minutes. I don't understand why he cares so much, it's not like they're friends, Melvin has no friends. God I am such an asshole.

I'd complain, tell him it's none of his business, but in the end I know Miles is the closest thing to a father figure that I have. And he's a damn good one, if I knew what a good one was.

Everyone has to learn something from somewhere, and for me, it might as well be the person I most look up to.

---

Miles has a room straight out of a magazine. Everything is in a matching style, and not to mention one that I even think is somewhat cool. The sheets, the wallpaper, the recliner chair in the corner, even the futon. All of them were a dark grey with blue and teal bars, and even the carpet was the same blue.

I liked being in Miles's room by myself, because, frankly he had a sexy room. Posters of celebrities I hardly knew and featuring bands and movies I'd hardly heard of covered the walls. Normally I'd snatch up his console and start playing one of his games, but since I'm the doghouse, I plopped on the futon and took to just looking at the posters.

About ten to fifteen minutes later, I heard the doorknob turn, and looked over my shoulder to see Miles walk in.

As usual, he got right down to business. "So." He came around to the far side of the futon and had a seat. "What happened last night?" He asked.

I sighed, and leaned back, gathering a reply. "How much did Mel tell you?"

He snorted. "Not much." And scoffed. "I couldn't get a word out of him. After I got done yelling at you I went outside and saw him walking away from the party, probably headed home. But after I forced him into the car he didn't say much." He crossed his arms.

"So…" I scratched my head, trying to remember exactly what Miles said while yelling at me. By that point I was already wasted, so I only remember bits and pieces. Bits and pieces meaning my having called him a "dickhead with a mother complex" as he walked away. "You don't actually know anything?"

"I know that when I found him he was crying," He said, and I couldn't help scoffing. Crying was just too much, I couldn't believe he would cry… "…And trying like hell not to, but failing."

"And he didn't tell you anything at all?" I snorted.

"He said it was something he said, and it made you run away. He didn't tell me what it was, but I have three good guesses."

I sighed, heavily. Chances were he knew exactly what it was, and why I reacted that way. Damn Miles and his inhumanly good intuition.

"I told you not to lead him on." He said.

"I know!" I tried to defend myself. "I just didn't expect it to progress that fast… and now…" I pressed my palm against my forehead. "I know what I'm going to do, it's just going to be a pain in the ass if he gives me that sad look." With his fucking gorgeous blue eyes.

"Well, that's how it is sometimes." Miles went on. "Can't please everyone."

"I never tried to please everyone." I barked. "I just don't like making little shy weird kids cry." I grumbled, and gritted my teeth. A week, we'd known each other for a little over a week… how could he…

"Well, are you totally sure you want to reject him?" Miles said. "I mean, you don't hate him, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm sure that I don't like him that way either." I pushed my hair back. Ever since this conflict with whether I liked Melvin or not came up, I'd always thought in the back of my mind that liking someone romantically was supposed to be extraordinary, indefinite. Now I'm sure.

"Oh, so now you've got it all figured out?" He snorted, obviously not believing me. But then, he didn't know where I'd been. This would be a good opportunity to change the subject.

"Last night," I began. "After you left, Mr. McDaniels took me home because he almost ran me over." I said, a little bitterly.

"Oops." He snickered.

"…And there was another guy there living with him."

"Oh god." He threw his head back, laughing, and then looked back at me with an expression that said he had at least some idea where this was going.

"And, yeah…" I was starting to get uncomfortable. Any other subject I could talk about to Miles, no problem, but this was something totally new. I felt like a twelve-year- old girl explaining her first crush. And this may have been something of a first crush but I'm not twelve, and I'm definitely not a girl. "…I found out he was gay." …In a way I'd rather not explain.

"So you fell deeply in love?"

"No!" I snapped, wishing he was a little closer so I could hit him. "I just… for a while I couldn't get him out of my head. Mostly because he was just really, really…" I paused, trying to think of the right word. "…attractive."

"Attractive?" Miles snickered.

"Yeah. And it really hit hard after he kissed me."

I heard miles choke on his saliva, and I think if he'd been drinking something he would have spat it out all over himself and the floor. "He did what?"

I groaned. "I know. It was totally random and I don't even know what to think." I dragged my hands down my cheeks. Thinking about it gave me chills. "But I know I'll probably never even see him again so it doesn't matter." I sighed.

Miles was quiet for a few moments, and I was surprised. It wasn't often that I was able to shock him speechless.

"Wow." He cleared his throat. "So this guy was just at McDaniels's house, and he's gay, and he kissed you?" He sounded incredulous, but I think he just found it hard to believe rather than not believing me. It's not like I had any idea why some guy would just kiss me out of the blue!

"…You sure he wasn't a-,"

"I thought of that." I interrupted. "But it didn't seem like it. He was dressed normally, and it definitely seemed like he'd lived there a while." He treated it like his own house, after all, I don't think a one night, or even regular call boy would act that way.

"Well I'm not saying it's a fact, but…" He paused. "…when something like that happens, he was probably just messing with you."

I knew that, but that didn't change the fact that I really, really liked being messed with.

"He was older, right?"

I nodded, I don't know by how much, but he looked easily in his early twenties. Probably around McDaniels's age, actually, which was another reason I didn't think he was any kind of professional whore. They were too much like friends, it was more likely that they were together. But I was kind of trying to deny that possibility.

"Yeah, probably." He nodded, confirming his older insinuation. Like I said, I knew that was probably the case, but it was eating me alive.

I mean, I'd spent my entire life never being romantically or even sexually interested in anyone aside from celebrities and a guy in eighth grade who barely ever glanced in my direction. Any time I thought I could like a guy, even just secretly, and usually one of Miles's friends that I somehow ended up being introduced to, he'd always do or say something to make me dislike him. I'd never even considered liking another person for more than a day or two, and it never worked out anyway. The only ones who'd ever been interested in me were girls, and one strange, shy little Melvin, who I wasn't in the mood to think about.

But now, someone I found sexually appealing, knew was gay, and lived within a decent distance of my home, had fucking randomly locked lips with me. My head was spinning over it. I didn't care if he was just fucking around like an asshole, it didn't make me like him less. It made me want to win him over. Even if he was just messing with my head, I wish I had a chance to at least try mess my way into his, too.

But the chances I'd see him again were one in a million. I memorized his street name, because that's just how creepy I am, but I'd never go back. I'd be fucked in the head if I did.

"Fox." Miles drew me out of my thoughts. "Just forget about him, seriously."

Regardless of what I wanted, that was good advice. Because, once again, I knew I'd never see him again. It was probably best that I did forget about him. But… only after just a little fantasizing.

------

"God, you suck." Miles drawled, and threw the remote on the floor out of a clearly bored frustration.

"Sorry." I sighed, and tossed the remote down as well. "I'm not really with it." We were supposed to be shooting out terrorists, and I hadn't done much more than die the entire time. It wasn't typical for me, either, I was usually just was good as him. But, like I said, I wasn't with it.

"Quit thinking about your pedophile, and maybe you would be." He mumbled as he crawled down onto the floor and toward the television to either turn off the system, or put in a different game.

"He's not a pedophile!" I barked. "All he did was kiss me." I crossed my arms.

He snickered. "Yeah. He kissed you. He's a lot older than you. That's called pedophile." He turned it off, and then stood up.

"He's not that much older!" I grumbled. "Besides, who decided kissing was a sexual thing?" He walked past the futon as I was yelling at him and toward the bed.

"Um, God I guess," He hopped onto the bed and sat cross legged as I glared at him over the back of the futon.

"You don't believe in God," I pointed out.

"Hmm, you're right, so I guess kissing isn't a sexual thing," He decided. I shrugged to myself, I don't really care if it's a sexual thing or not, I was just trying to justify Tom's actions. I huffed, and reached for the can of pop Miles had set in front of me earlier to take a sip.

"So I could totally kiss you right now and still be straight," Miles said slyly. I gagged and the pop spurted straight out of my mouth and nose, splashing all over the floor. I continued to choke, listening to Miles's hysterical laughter, how dare he see humor in my misery!

"Oh…" I coughed, looking back to see him tumbling around on the bed in a fit of giggles. "No… you couldn't." I squeaked out the last bit and stopped laughing suddenly and pouted at me.

"Why not?" He stuck out his bottom lip. "What if I want to?" I expected a humorous smile but he just continued to pout. Was he serious? I hope not.

"Because if you did, I would report you to the police for sexual harassment," I stuck out my tongue. "And, it would be cheating," I concluded, wiping the pop that had dripped down my chin on my sleeve.

"But kissing isn't a sexual thing, remember?" He grinned.

"Yes it is," I scoffed. He scowled at me and that was the end of it, good thing too, he was starting to piss me off. The last thing I need right now is my straight friend using me as an experiment or whatever to find out what it's like to kiss a guy. Or whatever the hell he's trying to accomplish by saying those things, other than pissing me off of course.

I set the still half-full cap of pop down, and got up to go to the bed where he was. I was getting tired, and I guess he'd gotten the same idea.

"You know, Amy has this brother that looks almost exactly like her, and he's just a year older." Miles said, and I was only half interested in why he was bringing this up now" If he wasn't such a homophobe and they were both into incest I'd totally try for a threesome," Miles was mumbling, but I made out every word and simply rolled my eyes.

"You're straight, Miles, don't try to pretend otherwise," I grimaced. "Besides, being gay is my thing, and you can't have it," I stuck out my tongue at him and his eyes narrowed.

"You let Melvin and your pedophile have it just fine," He snuffed

"Yeah, well you're not special like them,"

"Fine, I don't want your thing anyway, I got my own thing, and my own gay boy to mess with," He grinned and poked me in the side. Son of a bitch, he knows I hate that. I swatted his hand away, but it did more harm than good. Instead of stopping he tackled me onto the bed, dug his fingers into my sides and started wiggling them around.

"No!" Protested, but it was too late. I was laughing so hard I can't even tell him how much I wanted to rip his intestines out and stomp all over them.

----

Once he'd finished torturing me, and I'd thoroughly pillowed the hell out of his face for it, we decided it was time to sleep. I just laid down while he put things away and turned off the light because I was still content treating him like a mortal enemy. When he got in the bed, he attempted to cuddle me like an idiot. I shoved him off and listened to his stupid snicker as he shifted around, then finally settled in.

Five minutes later. "Fox."

Damn him, and I was seconds from falling asleep, too! "Do you really think I'm ugly?" He asked in a completely concerned and serious tone. I hit him with my pillow.

-----

I was dead tired. Seven-thirty AM, and my locker was being a bitch. I knew the combination I was putting in was the right one, but it just wouldn't fucking open! I was ready to rip the whole thing to pieces, if only I could.

"Open! You stupid piece of shit!" I kicked it and hissed when it still didn't open. I was still engrossed in my locked abuse when Miles came hopping merrily over to me, straight out of Happyville. Damn him for being not only a morning person, but a Monday person as well.

"Hey Cupcake," he hugged me, I ignored him. "Aren't you locker number 408?" He pointed to the small number '409' on the front of the locker I was currently destroying. I looked up at it, and gaped. Embarrassed, I shuffled to my right to the correct locker, keyed in the combination, and voila! It opened.

"Moron," Miles snickered, and I wanted to kill him. "Anyway, you talk to Melvin yet?" He asked, just as some girl came up beside me to get to her locker, which happened to be 409. I think that she'd been waiting for me to move for a while, but had been too shy to say anything. Now I knew why she'd been standing there for so long.

"He's not even here yet." I sighed. "Anyway, I'm probably going to wait until I have a class with him."

"You gonna tell him about the pedophile?" He asked, still snickering. This time, I didn't really understand why, until I noticed 409 girl's eyes widen at what he said.

"I thought you said I should just forget about him." I said, shifting my eyes to 409 girl's face. "Something about him being a whore that was just messing with me."

"I didn't say whore, I said skanky slut." He crossed his arms. Truthfully, he didn't say either, but 409 girl's reaction was priceless. "Besides, that was just a possibility, it's not nice to just assume such dastardly things of people. Even skanky sluts."

"Oh really, since when do you care?" It took all of my effort to keep from laughing. She didn't look like she knew whether to run away or carry on with her business. She was just frozen, staring into her locker like it was filled with giant bugs.

"I think since like… last night when you made love to me in Rover's little doghouse." By this time both of us were about to burst, I was already giggling under my breath, but based on her still horrified expression, I don't think she picked up on it.

"Ah yeah." I went on." That house was so small… and tight, you know?" I said, and Miles's whole face turned red. "I could barely fit that gigantic vibrator in with us." I was now far to preoccupied trying not to laugh to look at 409 girl. All I heard was a locker slam, and then fast footsteps retreating, vacating the premises.

As soon as she was far enough away, both of us burst out laughing, loud enough to be heard in any of the nearby classrooms.

Miles fell against my shoulder. "Dude, I didn't know you knew how to be crude!" He was hanging on me and laughing his ass off, I thought he was going to rip my arm out of its socket. I was laughing too, though. "I didn't even know you knew what a vibrator was!" He was still laughing madly, even as I was trying to go back to getting things from my locker.

I'm not completely sure what happened, but I'm pretty sure he through his head back cackling, which collided with my locker door, which slammed shut, right on my poor fingers.

"Fuck!" I shouted. If I hadn't been in so much pain I may have noticed that my profanity was echoing through the school. I held my hand tightly in the other, and fell against the locker beside mine, staring at my pointer and forefinger, watching blood ooze out of my knuckles.

"Fuuuucccccckkkk," I cried, shoving the two fingers in my mouth and sucking on them. My scowling eyes moved to Miles. He looked sorry, in fact, he looked devastated, panicked, like he was searching his brain for a first aid kit. He'd just crushed the poor misunderstood, miserable gay boy's fingers in a locker. He'd better be sorry.

"Watch the language, Murphy." Mr. McDaniels's gigantic self appeared out of nowhere, and I jumped back a little at the sight of him. Immediately upon seeing him I was reminded of what I'd walked in on the other day.  I knew I'd never be able to look at him the same way again.

I just stared blankly, as he walked away, and glanced back at me with a cock-eyed look. He turned into his room, and I felt relaxed again.

"So you think McDaniels and that guy are like…" He paused, stroking his chin.  I held my breath, because I knew what he was going to say. "You know… doing it?"

I only faintly heard the rest of that, as I'd already made a run for it.

----

I got to first period before Melvin, which had both an up side, and a down side. At least this way I had time to gather myself one last time before he showed up, but at the same time, the waiting was a pain in the ass.

The moment the thought came to mind that maybe he wasn't here, and maybe I'd get a free day before I had to spill my soul, he walked in. As soon as I saw him turn the corner, I looked away, and hoped he didn't spot me playing crow's nest on the look out for him. I waited, quite the opposite of patiently, for him to sit down. I looked back at his seat once he'd sat in it, and his eyes met mine. I tried to smile a little, and waved, and got only a wave in reply before he started to pull things out of his backpack.

I turned back to face forward, noting that the girl who usually sat next to me was absent.

There was about ten minutes left in the period when Draden finished teaching, and I knew what that meant. Sure enough, when I looked back, Melvin had already gotten out of his seat and was walking up to sit next to me.

"Hey." I said, after he'd already sat down.

He didn't look at me. "Hey." He said.

"So… about talking… about, what happened…" Great, five seconds in and I was already tripping over my words like a moron. Luckily, he took over.

"Okay, before I get interrupted again and don't have time to say this…" He took a deep breath. "I wasn't lying Friday night." His eyes flicked to mine. "I wasn't confused, either. Or tipsy, or caught up in the moment." He went on, even though my face had undoubtedly turned pale. "I thought about it a lot this weekend, and that's how I really feel."

Oh god, what the hell was I supposed to say? He sounded so sure, and worse, he didn't sound that insane. It was insane, because there was no way after barely a week of knowing each other that he could get that attached. But he was just so damn good at making it sound sane.

"But, it doesn't matter." He took a deep breath. "That's just how it is for me, and I know it's not the same for you." God, I've never heard him say so many words in the same minute. He must've practiced this for hours. "I can't take it back, but…" He licked his lips. "…just forget it happened, please." He finally looked at my face again, this time for a response, and I didn't have one.

For a few moments, I just stared back at him. I'd had this planned out, I had things to say, ways to bring it up. Now he just had to come out with that and ruin my whole damn plan! Since when does he have the guts to initiate conversations like that?

"…Mel…" I looked down. "The thing is…" I stopped again, and sighed, heavily. "All of this was all really, really new to me, and I didn't really know what I was doing." I tried. "I mean, you're the first person… well, guy who's ever been interested in me, so I just took it and ran, but…"

"Stop." He interrupted me, and slouched in his seat, tilting his head back to face the ceiling. "You're going to tell me the whole thing was a mistake." He bluntly read my mind. "And that you're breaking up with me." He added, once I'd confirmed the first part by not denying it. Once again, I confirmed that as well, by not saying anything.

"I guess we were never together." He looked down at his lap again, where his hands were shaking and rubbing against and over each other. "…Sorry I went so far." He mumbled.

I wanted to say 'You don't have to be sorry.' Or 'It's not your fault, it's mine.' Or something other than "It's okay." But that's all that came out.

"Right." He just spat, bitterly, and I knew I'd fucked up that reply. He didn't talk to me, or even look in my direction for the remaining five minutes of class. And when the bell rang, he left without saying a word.

-----

Throughout all of homeroom I was dying to get to second period and tell Miles what happened between Melvin and I. When I finally got there, Miles ended up being five minutes late. I sat in my seat, fidgeting with everything I could reach, wondering where the hell he was until he finally walked in.

When he did, he looked directly at me, and it wasn't what I'd call the expression of someone with good news.

He handed Shtilman a pass, and slipped into the seat next to mine in the manner of someone about to make a drug pass.

"Hey." He said, tapping his fingers on his desk.

"Hey." I said back, wondering for one, why he'd been late, and why he was acting so strange.

"So how'd it go with Melvin?" He asked, and it sounded like he was in a hurry for some reason.

"Uh, not so good." I got ready to continue, but he stopped me.

"Well, you have a bigger problem." He leaned in closer to me, like it was going to be a secret. So I made sure to listen. "Up to now there have been rumors, and people talking. But, this morning, first period, it's way different."

"…Wait." I interrupted. "What's way different?"

"What the hell did you do Friday night, Fox?" He disregarded my question for one of his, and I had to pause, and blink a few times to get that to register. "I haven't been able to talk to one person without them asking about you."

"Me?" I stuttered.

"Yes, you!" He scoffed. "Everyone seems like they know for sure that you're gay!"

Oh right. "Oh." I said. Now I remember, before Melvin and I had our little falling out, we'd been hitting it off pretty nicely, and in a more than just strictly friendly way. In front of just about the entire school, too. "So everyone knows?" It still hadn't really set in yet.

"Yes, everyone." Miles huffed. "And it's worse than that, somehow even the fucking faculty know about it, and they're acting all concerned." He seemed much more on edge than I was over it. On top of that, more on edge than I'd seem him in a long time.

"The hell?" I scowled to myself. "Why is it any of their business?" Seriously, I know my school, and the city in general are pretty conservative, but do they have to stick their noses into my life? I can understand getting jumped and beat to shit by students, but the school staff?

"I guess someone has discerning evidence." He sighed. "And they're spreading it around like wildfire, too." He looked around the room, seeming to notice as I did, that people were looking in our direction, and talking.

"Hey," He shouted at a pair of girls who'd looked at us earlier and were now whispering. "Cut that out." He snapped.

I sighed, and leaned my head in my hand. Honestly, I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. I'd never been content with the idea of hiding a relationship when I had one. The only reason I'd stayed in the closet so long was because I was single.

On top of that, I never imagined that such a big deal would be made out of one kid's sexuality. I knew there'd be whispering among the usual gossip types, but it's astounding how hard it is for teenagers, even seniors, to mind their own damn business.

"So what do I do?" I said, irritated. "Just lay low until it blows over?"

"I guess, if you can." He shrugged. "But that's usually what you're supposed to do when the rumor is a lie."

"Then what the hell do I do?" I spat. "I already have shit to deal with." Speaking of, I wonder if Melvin is having a similar experience to what mine is right now. Too bad he doesn't have a Miles to protect him.

"Speaking of, how'd that go?" He asked, and I was thankful for the subject change.

"Okay, everyone quiet down." Shtilman had taken her place in the front of the class, but for the time being was easy to ignore. Everyone else did, after all.

"Not good, like I said." I shrugged. "He's kind of pissed at me."

"Well, that's expected." Miles nodded. "At least he didn't cry."

I considered this for a moment, and had to agree. I guess it went okay, considering. I mean, he could have threatened to steal my liver if I didn't love him for eternity, but he just decided to excommunicate me for the time being. I could probably win him back over time, anyway. After all, he is in love with me.

"Quiet!" Shtilman erupted, and the class finally quieted their little conversations.

----

Melvin seemed to be finding it irritatingly easy to ignore me in History, even though I was sitting right next to him. Of course, I hadn't conjured up the guts to say anything to him yet, but he hadn't even looked in my direction. I, on the other hand, couldn't stop nervously glancing at him, wondering if he was going to plant C4 under my desk at any moment. It was pretty obvious who was winning, but in this case the winner is the one who opens his mouth first. I just can't bring myself to do it with that look of indifference that I've never seen him wear laughing at me.

I settled for sighing audibly, and hoping he'd react. I wasn't that surprised when he didn't, but plenty annoyed.

In the moments of silence that followed, I picked up on the gossiping whispers of a group of girls behind us, and suddenly had a great conversation starter.

I didn't think, I just opened my mouth. "So I know you're mad at me and stuff." I said. "But… I'm pretty sure because of Friday night, everyone knows I'm gay, which means they probably know you are too." If he doesn't say anything back, I'm going to slap him.

It took a while, but it came. "People already knew about me." He sighed. "I don't really care of they're reminded, I was only trying to be cautious at the party for you." He went on. "But your drunken self made that hard."

"Oh." I said. "Right, sorry."

He didn't say anything to that, so I kept going.

"I really am sorry." I looked down at my lap, and eyed the seam of my shirt, which was folded up. "For everything."

"It's okay." He said. "And I'm not mad." He hiccupped at the end of that, and I'm pretty sure that's where he lost his cool. He definitely was mad, or at least felt some negative emotion toward the whole ordeal. More likely, knowing Melvin, he was let down. But that's the last thing I wanted to deal with, so I kept it in the back of my mind.

"All right." McDaniel's voice boomed over all my thoughts along with the rest of the class. "Now that we got those presentations out of the way, go ahead and take out your books and-," He stopped suddenly when his eyes fell upon me. "Oh, Fox." He said. "I'd like you to see me at the end of the day. I have something for you."

I blinked, and stared.

"The rest of you, open your books to page 29." He went on, as if he'd never said anything to me at all.

I was beginning to realize that for the rest of the year, I would have a misplaced spite toward McDaniels. Not only because every time I looked at him I got the horrible image of him having sex, but because he reminded me of a person that I'd planned to forget.

I was sure it would fade quickly, but I didn't want it to. I didn't want my heart to stop beating faster whenever I thought about the fact that he even existed. I didn't want to stop being utterly confused about why he did what he did, and go back to being confused about everything else. I liked that he'd taken over my mind, and I would try like hell to hold on to that.

But it was painful at the same time, and McDaniels's existence brought it up in the worst of ways.

"What's that about?" Melvin asked, under his breath as he flipped through the pages in his book to find the right one.

"No idea." I shrugged, only half lying as I reached for my book as well. As far as I knew, Melvin didn't know where I went Friday night, or where I ended up most of Saturday, and who I was with. I thought it was better that he didn't find out.

"Hey Mellow Yellow." I said, once I got to the right page. He'd gotten there a long time ago, and was just sitting there staring at the page, pretending to be interested in it. He tensed at the sound of his nickname.

"Let's stay friends, all right?" I said, but didn't look at him when I did. My eyes stayed fixed on the book in front of me.

He took a little while to say anything. "Okay." He finally squeaked, and from there I was satisfied.

---

Just friends is hard when you're used to doing things like giving slightly too long man-hugs out of nowhere, nonchalantly putting arms around shoulders, flirtatiously stealing glasses, and sometimes even pecks on the lips when no one's looking. It was hard to even talk to Melvin without feeling awkward now if I wasn't some how treating him like my secret girlfriend. Our entire relationship had revolved around my teasing, and his blushing.

Now, even when I tried to tease, and even when he did blush, it felt odd. He definitely still needed time, if nothing else, and I did too. If I look at the bright side, I think we're doing pretty good for the first day after a break-up, actually.


"So, did you too kiss and make up?" Miles was completely uncensored, as usual, as he sat down with Amy across from us at lunch.

I could just feel Melvin tense beside me, and I knew he wasn't going to answer. It even took me a few seconds to come up with the right words. "Ah…" I said, and cleared my throat. "…We did make up, but no kissing."

"Aww." Amy's disappointment was also completely uncensored, and it was obviously making Melvin uncomfortable. I could just feel the uneasiness resonating from him, and it was rubbing off on me.

"Well, as long as we're all friends." Miles said, and that lightened the mood for me, at least. Even more so when he completely lost interest in me as Amy started to dig into the pudding on her tray. "Ah, wait!" He stopped her. "I want that."

She laughed, and shoved him. "You have your own." She tried to spoon it up, but he must have been tickling her under the table, because a giggle stopped her from scooping any.

"I want yours too." He said, and tried to snatch the spoon from her, but she held it away. "I like pudding." He went on, making a pouty face, and wrapped his arms around her waist to pull her small body against his chest. "Can I call you pudding?" He mumbled against her neck, all the while trying to get the spoon from her hand.

She laughed loudly. "Stop it!" She was grinning from ear to ear, trying to keep it out of his reach. I kind of wanted to puke by the time Miles started kissing her cheek. They were definitely the king and queen of PDA. Complete with making it as stupidly mushy as one possibly could.

I looked at Melvin, hoping he'd save me from having to watch them, and saw that he was just staring down at his tray with this horribly depressed look on his face. His face had been sadder than usual all day, but a second ago he'd been almost fine. Now he looked like he would collapse if you touched him.

"Mel?" I put my hand on his shoulder. "You feel okay?" He jumped a little the moment I touched him, and I heard his breath pick up. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out at first. He closed it again, along with his eyes for a moment, and then opened them.

"I'll be right back." He mumbled as he got up and out of his seat, and was off speed-walking toward the exit of the lunch room before I could even move to stop him.

"You'd better go after him." Miles said, and I glared at him.

"I was going to." I snapped. "Just eat your fucking pudding." I got up, and hurried in the direction Melvin had gone.

----

I found him in the bathroom, which was the first place I looked. It wasn't a hard guess, as the bathroom is the only place staff will let you leave the cafeteria to go without asking. Sure enough, there he was. Not shut in a stall, but leaning over a sink, splashing water on his face.

His glasses were on the back of it next to the faucet, and the lenses had gotten splashed with water.

"Uh…" Was all I got out, but he stopped moving as soon as he heard it, and huffed.

"Sorry." He said immediately. His knuckles were turning white as he gripped the edge of the sink. "I just…" He inhaled deeply, and I could hear the shudders in his breath, the kind that exist when you're trying like hell not to cry, or to stop.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came up. I imagined myself stepping forward and wrapping my arms around him from behind to comfort him, but my feet stayed planted. At that moment I would have done anything, not because I didn't want to deal with him crying, but because I felt sympathy. But I couldn't bring myself to move a muscle, or say a word.

"You…" A few sobs escaped, and it seemed as if he'd been that way since before I walked in. "…You have no idea how much I..." His shoulders were hunched as much as they could be, and his muscles were tensed in the most defensive and pathetic stance possible. "…want you." As if it had taken every ounce of courage and self-esteem he had left to get that one line out. And it was one that left me with none of the above.

I didn't open my mouth. In fact, from there, I couldn't even look at the back of his head anymore. I didn't say a word, or move, not even when he turned around, and walked right past me to leave. I was too confused, too afraid, and too sorry to do a damn thing. If I look back, I wouldn't be able to say exactly what I was thinking at that point. I have no idea what I felt sorry for, or what made me freeze up. It would have been so easy to just do something, to fix it instead of letting him walk away.

But I know for sure that at that moment, for one reason or the other, I had no idea how much I'd regret it for the rest of my life.
A/n- I may have been a little overly emotional for the end of this chapter, and it might have rubbed off a little, but I really hope not as I like to think I can separate my own emotions from the ones my characters would feel. But it’s difficult when both Fox and me are having B’awww moments at the same time.

Anyway, late once again, and sort of filler aside from the end. Things should start unraveling pretty fast in the next chapter, and I’ll FINALLY get into the stuff that actually relates to the prologue xD.

Fun Fact – I actually like Melvin in this version. In the last three versions I found him pathetic and annoying. Even though I still think he’s over-emotional and compulsive, I actually like him as a character now. He feels more real to me, and more understandable. Maybe that’s just me though. Not to toot my own horn. I don’t think my head is screwed on quite right at the moment. Hope that didn’t affect the writing either.

Anyway, I won’t say comments make me write faster as I haven’t lived up to writing fast by any meaning of the word, but I still really love them.
© 2011 - 2024 Super-Cheesepuff
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lotrdeana17's avatar
This makes me cry every time I reread it.